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If you haven’t heard, the government is shut down, 800,000 Americans are without jobs, and the economy will go to shit in nine days because Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling for debt Obama didn’t even create.

In other words, some Congressional Republicans are salty and vindictive. And their obsession to dismantle Obamacare (read health care for all Americans) has turned into a nasty war that they’ve waged on the president and every single citizen of this great nation.

So today the president decided to speak to the American people about the shutdown, the looming debt crisis, the default Republicans claim will do wonders for our country, and House Speaker John Boehner’s decision not to back down…a decision that will surely ruin this country, our credit, and financial stability around the entire world.

Yeah, it’s that big.

Anyway, these are the statements made by President Obama that capture the theme of the hour: You Republicans Are Fucking Shit UP!

On Boehner holding the American people hostage with the shutdown:

“This morning I had a chance to speak with Speaker Boehner. And I told him what I’ve been saying publicly, that I am happy to talk with him and other Republicans about anything — not just issues I think are important but also issues that they think are important. But I also told him that having such a conversation, talks, negotiations shouldn’t require hanging the threats of a government shutdown or economic chaos over the heads of the American people.”

His trill ass analogy comparing Xbox to a defunded Obamacare:

“…The American people do not get to demand a ransom for doing their jobs. You don’t get a chance to call your bank and say I’m not going to pay my mortgage this month unless you throw in a new car and an Xbox.”

The other trill ass analogy:

“If you’re in negotiations around buying somebody’s house, you don’t get to say, well, let’s talk about the price I’m going to pay, and if you don’t give the price then I’m going to burn down your house.”

On if the roles were reversed:

“But as I’ve said before, imagine if a Democratic Congress threatened to crash the global economy unless a Republican president agreed to gun background checks or immigration reform. I think it’s fair to say that Republicans would not think that was appropriate.”

On the fucked up Republican plan to get what they want at any cost:

“And they have decided to run out the clock until there’s a government shutdown or the possibility of default, thinking that it would give them more leverage. That’s not my characterization. They’ve said it themselves. That was their strategy from the start. And that is not how our government is supposed to run.”

That part where he called Boehner out on his “willingness” to cooperate:

“At the beginning of this year Speaker Boehner said, what we want is regular order and a serious budget process. So the Senate should pass a bill and the House should pass a bill, and then a committee comes together and they hash out their differences and they send the bill to the president. Well, that’s exactly what Democrats did.”

“Except somewhere along the way, House Republicans decided they wouldn’t appoint people to the committee to try to negotiate, and 19 times they’ve rejected that. So even after all that, the Democrats in the Senate still passed a budget that effectively reflects Republican priorities at Republican budget levels just to keep the government open, and the House Republicans couldn’t do that either.”

When he told Boehner to stop playing games and put the vote on the floor to end the government shutdown:

“But we can’t do it if the entire basis of the Republican strategy is, we’re going to shut down the government or cause economic chaos if we don’t get a hundred percent of what we want. So my suggestion to the speaker has been and will continue to be, let’s stop the excuses, let’s take a vote in the House, let’s end this shutdown right now, let’s put people back to work.”

His way of explaining the calamity that would occur if Congress defaults on America’s bills (AKA not raise the debt ceiling), even though Republicans are all “no big deal” about it:

“So let me explain this. If Congress refuses to raise what’s called the debt ceiling, America would not be able to meet all of our financial obligations for the first time in 225 years.”

When he explained to the nation that raising the debt ceiling isn’t all what it sounds like, duh:

“And because it’s called raising the debt ceiling, I think a lot of Americans think it’s raising our debt. It is not raising our debt. This does not add a dime to our debt. It simply says you pay for what Congress has already authorized America to purchase, whether that’s the greatest military in the world or veterans’ benefits or Social Security.”

Wait, how terrible would a default be again, Mr. President?

“Warren Buffett likened default to a nuclear bomb, a weapon too horrible to use. It would disrupt markets, it would undermine the world’s confidence in America as the bedrock of the global economy, and it might permanently increase our borrowing costs which, of course, ironically would mean that it would be more expensive for us to service what debt we do have and it would add to our deficits and our debt, not decrease them.”

When he told it like it is:

“You know, the American people have already fought too hard and too long to come back from one crisis, only to see a handful of more extreme Republicans in the House of Representatives precipitate another one.”

When he reminded the Republicans why he’s president and not them:

“Our housing market is healing; we’ve cut the deficit in half. Since I took office, the deficit is coming down faster than any time in the last 50 years. America is poised to become the number-one energy producer in the world this year. This year, for the first time in a very long time, we’re producing more oil than we’re importing.”

That “gotcha-gotcha” moment that should have made every congressional Republican feel silly as hell:

“And what’s happened — the way we got to this point was one thing and one thing only, and that was Republican obsession with dismantling the Affordable Care Act and denying health care to millions of people. That law ironically is moving forward.”

And this bomb:

“It makes it look like we don’t have our act together. And that’s not something we should welcome. The greatest nation on earth shouldn’t have to get permission from a few irresponsible members of Congress every couple months just to keep our government open or to prevent an economic catastrophe.”

Boom. Go home Republicans, you’re drunk.

To read the rest of the president’s press conference, click here.

For the 411 on the debt ceiling, click here.

And for more information about the government shutdown, click here.

Pictures Of President Obama Doing Mad Regular Things (PHOTOS)
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PHOTO CREDIT: Getty

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